Just give me your hand

Just give me your hand,
and listen to me,
that where we must go,
it’s where we must be,
but our time will come,
and the future will be.
Just give me your hand,
just give me your hand.
Tabhair dom do lámh,
Oh tabhair dom do lámh.

Had you ever felt lost?

Lost in the way that everything that you were planing just blew up time ago, and suddenly you realize that you’ve been acting -since then- like a broken compass, that is pointing nowhere… like an empty vessel that keeps moving but without a clear goal, just living.

After a long period of time with extreme ups and downs, I’ve faced the most terrible truth for me, and that is that I’m probably sick/not well/depressed/hurt/broken/call it whatever you want…

But the worst of it, is to known that you’ve been dealing with all the problems for years, that you’ve kept for yourself to not turn into someone’s else problem, wearing a mask that finally broke completely and felt down into million pieces, showing the whole truth… and when you reached the most critical point, when you were finally ready to ask for/accept help, the ones that you thought you could count on with, just didn’t understand why you were acting weird and pushing everyone away… and they just waited, I guess “until the crazy moment will pass”, and finally judge you because of your behaviour but without asking.

And that’s the point, no one asked.

They just claimed to you that you hurt them with the silence, distance or non usual behaviour… but no one appear next to you as you always had been doing for them, even when they didn’t ask for it, simply because you knew it that you had to be there, because you just love them.

Maybe the worst part is not the feeling that you’ve lost almost everything, but that for all of them you turned into the worst person ever, and you do not deserve any chance to talk/explain yourself, to be forgiven (yes, you thought you should apologize, and again, no one replied)… So the silence, indifference and coldness is the remaining thing that seems that you deserve, at least from them.

Meanwhile, you stupidly keep mashing your head asking why, the people who you loved and been knowing you for so many years, didn’t stop to say “Hey, something is going really wrong with him, because he had never acted in a similar way before. I/we should go and sit next to him, no matter how much it takes/cost, and ask what the hell is going on. Maybe he just need a hand”.

Just a hand.

I would have felt like a child on Christmas if any of my loved ones would have appeared, taken me by my hand, and told me “I don’t know what is going on, but I’m here with you now”.

But instead of that, judge, throw to your face how much pain you were inflicting to them, how close to commit horrible things to themselves they were (no extra pressure to me, I must be enjoying, and of course knowing how you suffer just please me)… because wait for a miracle instead of act, was the best option for all of them.

I guess that when you realize how much you gave, and think that what you needed was just a portion of it -but you didn’t receive- is when everything in your head just blows up.

Anyway, we learn from everything, and this episode is not going to be less. Sadly, as I said, we use to learn by being hurt.

This should have been another kind of post, but my fingers took the keyboard with my feelings as their boss. So, as compensation, enjoy the funny advert that Tullamore Dew made, using a couple of irish songs (the verse on the top is the last song sung).

 

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